i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
