see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Randomize
