No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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