I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
