Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Randomize
