Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
