It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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