Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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