I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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