you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
