I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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