dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
