How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
now i know why i became what i already was.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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