the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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