Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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