my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
