he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
