I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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