Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
