My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
