I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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