Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
