I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
