Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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