my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
