Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
