I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
