I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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