I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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