I think my fart just growled at me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
