I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
