perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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