Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
