Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
