Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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