cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
