my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
