Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
