you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
