and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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