I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
50% drunk capacity currently
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
