Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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