If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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