failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
