well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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