my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
