I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
