In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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