2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
