So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
